lifewithevan

I'm supposed to be going to the beach today. My family wanted to go to the pool with my step-cousins but we couldn't find anyone to look after the dog for us. But it's currently 20 to 11 and everyone except me is still in bed.

I hate being an over-thinker and over-planner. It makes me feel like I'm the only person in my family on a schedule. I know I'm not, my step mum plans like crazy, it's one of the things I love the most about her because she knows the unexpectedness of things makes me uncomfortable so she always lets me know about stuff in advance.

Next Friday is my actual mum's birthday and we're going away on holiday. It'll be warm and there'll be four of us in the air b'n'b, not to mention we'll be seeing my aunt and her bf daily.

And I didn't find out until recently that my aunt is slightly homophobic (thanks for warning me mum!) and now I'm scared. Because the only other homophobic family I have, I haven't talked to in two years.

Signing off,

:)

I told myself that I wouldn't post twice a day but I need to get my thoughts out. I'm terrified for my future. I'm trying to educate myself on investing and getting a good credit score and learning how to handle yourself in a job and how to handle money.

I'm still a student, haven't even done my final exams and I'm already panicking about this bullshit. It's stressful, the thought of having to survive alone in the real world when school has barely taught you anything and when you don't even know what you're going to do with your life because your afraid that your dreams aren't achievable and like what you're doing isn't enough.

And then you see all these people online saying "here's how I became a millionaire before I was 20" and you look at what they did and you're just like "that's not me!".

You try to do the research and the studying and practice budgeting all the while thinking "I should be enjoying this time of my life". And no one seems to understand or relate to you, no matter how hard you try and you just wish for something, literally anything, to make it the slightest bit easier! And the people around you who just don't seem to be trying as hard seem to have all their shit together!

And it's just like, what the fuck dude!

Signing off,

:(

I'm writing this while listening to "Look Ma, No Brains" which seems accurate since posting opinions/experiences on the internet is something someone with no brains would do. I'm doing this because I've decided to do things that scare me and share my experiences with people who feel like me and can't find someone who'll understand.

I feel like I'm a paradox within a paradox. My two personalities would either hate each other or make the coolest "opposites attract" romance. My friendship history is a story worth a reality TV series and my dating history is almost as pathetic as Ben Hope.

It's odd how I desperately want a partner but the thought of actually dating someone instills a great fear in me. Anonymity is fun. This blog will become much more interesting once I start school again, I guaruntee some drama will happen and I'll be dragged into it, as per usual.

I'm trying to become a new person, a better person. Actually study and become a good student, not that I'm a shit one now. Hold on to the few non toxic friendships I have. Try to ignore people's opinions.

Signing off,

:)