lifewithevan

Been a while. It's been fucking busy. In a nutshell, I don't trust anyone in my current school, I either don't know them well enough or they broke my trust. And my one best friend doesn't go to my school and is quite crush-obsessed. I love them and I get how they're a full 'o' feelings poet type, but it gets annoying sometimes. But it's a small thing that won't change anything in my friendship.

My family has been off all week but thankfully things are slowly going back to normal. My therapist has been off for weeks because she's been ill, which sucks majorly because I've been on an emotional rollercoaster.

I don't understand. I don't get how I complete so many tasks and have so many responsibilities when I'm 15. And I don't get how I don't do so many of them and still feel mentally exhausted. I barely do anything and I still feel drained.

I hate how I require so much reassurance. It irritates my family sooooo much!

I don't know why I can't say no or stop caring! My dad says it's because I have the biggest heart in the world but it sucks! I

I hate how my brain is so busy! I can't stop thinking but never start doing.

I hate how I have no self control. None, to do with anything.

I hate myself. I want to kill myself. But I can't.

Okay, so I had my first week of school. It was good till I had to cut out my friend (we'll call her J).

I found out she lied about being 🍇ed on multiple occasions and coerced almost all of her now ex boyfriends and manipulated and lied to me. I was sick of it because before summer I'd lost two of my closest friends and one of the main reasons was that I had given her a second chance after her first fuckup in our friendship. I know damn well that while my ex friends were right about J, that doesn't excuse their shitty reasons for our friendship ending and their behaviour towards me afterwards.

Lesson-wise, everything's been great, it's just been exam reviews. And I've still got my books.

This year I'm trying to be different. Actually start working out, study after school and put in more effort in my grades, cut out toxic people. God it sounds so cliche!

Sincerely,

:)

I didn't think I was going to have enough time to do another entry but I was wrong! I might be able to do one tomorrow before I leave for my mum's house (if I wake up early enough).

I feel oddly sad. The cause is, even more heartbreaking, my brother. He's so (and this will sound harsh) selfish. I had £60 today to spend at my favourite market. I'd originally started out with £100 but I promised my brother I'd give him £40 to spend at the market. I was super excited to share the market with him because it's one of my favourite places. But he spent the entire outing complaining about the stalls I picked to browse and when I decided to buy my mum a birthday present (her birthday was yesterday but I don't see her till tomorrow) and my dad one (his birthday isn't for a while but I thought I'd plan ahead) he didn't do either and I thought "fine, he might want to get them something different."

But he was so... entitled! He wouldn't pay £2 for a cupcake he wanted and then I bought it for him. It makes me really upset! And in the end, he only ended up spending £9 in a sweet shop and now, the money I gave him for the market specifically is probably going to go to something meaningless!

Signing off,

:/

I'm supposed to be going to the beach today. My family wanted to go to the pool with my step-cousins but we couldn't find anyone to look after the dog for us. But it's currently 20 to 11 and everyone except me is still in bed.

I hate being an over-thinker and over-planner. It makes me feel like I'm the only person in my family on a schedule. I know I'm not, my step mum plans like crazy, it's one of the things I love the most about her because she knows the unexpectedness of things makes me uncomfortable so she always lets me know about stuff in advance.

Next Friday is my actual mum's birthday and we're going away on holiday. It'll be warm and there'll be four of us in the air b'n'b, not to mention we'll be seeing my aunt and her bf daily.

And I didn't find out until recently that my aunt is slightly homophobic (thanks for warning me mum!) and now I'm scared. Because the only other homophobic family I have, I haven't talked to in two years.

Signing off,

:)

I told myself that I wouldn't post twice a day but I need to get my thoughts out. I'm terrified for my future. I'm trying to educate myself on investing and getting a good credit score and learning how to handle yourself in a job and how to handle money.

I'm still a student, haven't even done my final exams and I'm already panicking about this bullshit. It's stressful, the thought of having to survive alone in the real world when school has barely taught you anything and when you don't even know what you're going to do with your life because your afraid that your dreams aren't achievable and like what you're doing isn't enough.

And then you see all these people online saying "here's how I became a millionaire before I was 20" and you look at what they did and you're just like "that's not me!".

You try to do the research and the studying and practice budgeting all the while thinking "I should be enjoying this time of my life". And no one seems to understand or relate to you, no matter how hard you try and you just wish for something, literally anything, to make it the slightest bit easier! And the people around you who just don't seem to be trying as hard seem to have all their shit together!

And it's just like, what the fuck dude!

Signing off,

:(

I'm writing this while listening to "Look Ma, No Brains" which seems accurate since posting opinions/experiences on the internet is something someone with no brains would do. I'm doing this because I've decided to do things that scare me and share my experiences with people who feel like me and can't find someone who'll understand.

I feel like I'm a paradox within a paradox. My two personalities would either hate each other or make the coolest "opposites attract" romance. My friendship history is a story worth a reality TV series and my dating history is almost as pathetic as Ben Hope.

It's odd how I desperately want a partner but the thought of actually dating someone instills a great fear in me. Anonymity is fun. This blog will become much more interesting once I start school again, I guaruntee some drama will happen and I'll be dragged into it, as per usual.

I'm trying to become a new person, a better person. Actually study and become a good student, not that I'm a shit one now. Hold on to the few non toxic friendships I have. Try to ignore people's opinions.

Signing off,

:)